My last days in Italy, I feel a big rock stuck in my throat at the idea of leaving. I realized in the end what really matter in my life, beside my future and career, is my family. Not that I didn't know this before, but seeing my parents happy, spending time with my brother, laughing with my friends, that filled up my heart. I'll miss all this :( I don't know maybe in the next years I might come back to live here. We'll see. Right now I feel like I need to make the most out of my time in US, with my studies, personal training, writing, fitness modeling. Dreams must keep coming true ;)
Anyway, yesterday I looked at something very sad. I found some of my old diaries and pictures of when I was 19 and suffered from an eating disorder. I used to draw how I was feeling at that time, and as I was going through the pages, everything came back, the pain, depression, boredom and helplessness feeling.
And when I saw this, I froze. I took this picture the summer I was getting better... I was gaining a little weight already and didn't feel skinny at all. I have no pictures of the worst time, but this was enough to make me shudder... now I could see how blind I was.
I know you never come back to a normal relationship with food after an eating disorder. But you can learn to transform a sickness into a strength. Getting out of it and channel that determination into something constructive, instead of destructive. Like TRAINING.
Training saved me and made me learn how to feed my body properly, without hurting myself. What we all need to do is realizing when things get out of hand. Even with love for training, you can start doing it compulsively, restricting calories and burning out on cardio. It's easy for your mind to stumble again on old mistakes, because its like wired on compulsions. Even after a moment of relaxation, when things look back to normal, you might fall again, maybe not so hard, but still. Whenever you feel like something is not "right"(I think I'm happy but I'm not), my suggestion is do NOT listen to others but ASK yourself. Is this how I wanna live my life? Am I doing something constructive, am I working toward a goal? Do I know why I do what I do? You might acknowledge that something is wrong, and THAT's already a huge step. Might take a while before you feel ready to change, but ...it comes. Be true to yourself!